


an urge to jump affirms the urge to live.

by voirenrose



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: (kinda?? it will make more sense when/if you read it), Angst, Anxiety, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Gen, Hurt Peter Parker, Spider-Man: Far From Home (Movie), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Whump, i love hurting my boy, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-29 05:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19823482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voirenrose/pseuds/voirenrose
Summary: TW! don't read if you are uncomfortable/triggered with/by people talking about suicide.contains endgame and far from home spoilers.-peter isn't suicidal, exactly.it's just that if a train was coming straight at him,he's not sure he would move.-this is gonna be written a little differently to most of my other works.





	an urge to jump affirms the urge to live.

peter isn't suicidal, exactly.

it's just that if a train was coming straight at him,

he's not sure he would move.

he's thinking about the meaning of life

the meaning of death

and the futility of trying to stay afloat when the world is trying to drag him under

when tony stark finds him on the rooftop.

"do you want to move away from the edge, kid?"

peter knows tony is there

before he hears the footsteps on the concrete

and the metal door slide shut.

he shakes his head,

and stares at the ground below.

tony sits next to him,

after a pause of too many feelings peter will never understand.

"do you want to jump?"

tony never hesitates.

he speaks with the urgency

of a man that knows

a sentence said slightly too late

is a sentence that could be the difference between

life

and death.

peter hums for a moment,

milling the question over in his brain.

_it's quiet,_

his brain tells him.

"an urge to jump affirms the urge to live,

right?"

tony doesn't answer with words,

and instead just shrugs.

that's what some professionals say,

but he knows from first-hand experience

that professionals aren't always right.

"i don't want to die,

exactly.

i just-

i like that i can choose

whether i jump or not."

surprisingly,

tony nods.

_control,_

he thinks.

"it's similar to patrol."

tony doesn't phrase it as a question.

he doesn't need to.

the rush of near-death adrenaline,

is something embedded in his dna.

peter smiles gently.

tony stark has always understood him.

-

peter's thoughts are spirals,

he realises one day.

he is sitting on the roof again

but this time

there is no tony to sit with him.

there is no understanding,

no silence filled with loud thinking,

no unsaid words passing between peter and someone else.

instead,

he is alone

and his thoughts are spiralling downwards

like they always have done

when he was left alone for too long.

his parents

uncle ben

tony stark

aunt may

quentin beck

what do they all have in common?

they are all dead.

they are all peter's fault.

if he had kept to his own business

if he had been ill on the oscorp trip

if he hadn't been so _naive_

then they might actually

still be alive today.

_an urge to jump affirms the urge to live._

now he understands

tony's uncommitted shrug.

now he understands

that professionals know

jack _shit_

about the real world

and the real people

that live in it.

now he understands,

why people want to throw themselves off roofs.

the emotions come in one strong,

unshakeable wave.

sobs wrack his body,

as he pleads with the universe to let him have one last moment 

one last conversation

one last touch

with the man who built _his_ universe.

he pleads with the universe to _please just bring him back_

for a single day

just so that peter can hear his voice once more.

he thinks about all of the words left unsaid,

and falls.


End file.
